Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Colin Campbell Calls Derek Boogaard

Ring, ring, ring...

Minnesota Wild assistant: Wild locker room. Can I help you?

Collie: Yes. This is league disciplinarian, Colin Campbell. May I have a word with Derek Boogaard please?

Minnesota Wild assistant: Why sure... one minute please.

Third-party voice: [barely audible] Ask him why they call him "the Boogeyman" Collie... I like that nickname. It's scares me. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Collie: Shhhh Gare. Someone is picking up the phone.

Boogaard: This is Derek.

Collie: Derek, this is league disciplinarian, God I love saying that, ehem sorry, Colin Campbell. I wanted to speak with you before tonight's game and warn you that I will be watching you very closely.

Boogaard: I have a job to do. I really don't have time for this.

Collie: Understandable. But know that anything you do out there is considered pre-meditated. This whole "Itchy and Scratchy" thing has gone overboard. Fans are getting excited and we might even have a lot of people watch the game tonight. You best leave those, what did you call them, eh yappers, alone over there. The Sedin Brothers shall not be harmed! If you so much as scowl at Matt Cooke, I will give you five games. And if you even look at Kesler, you are finished for half the season. Aside from the Boulerice thing, he is a good kid that keep his nose clean. Yapping and cheap-shotting can be tolerated in this league. You policing the game cannot. I AM the police Boogaard... you hear me?!

Boogaard: Ohlund break our guy's leg and your yelling at me like this? Wait, what is that? Who is breathing heavy? Is someone else is listening to this? Gary, is that you?

Collie: No one else is on the call Derek! And one more thing... Mike Brown will only be fighting Aaron Voros tonight. You leave him alone. The Nucks called him up to play hockey and that is it. If you touch him, you are done for the year. You leave those gloves on, you hear? There will be no emotion in this game I say!

Boogaard: You and Gary hold hands and watch closely tonight. I am going to personally show you how to police a game. I'll be sure to send you an apple martini in the press box.


Collie: Don't you hang up on me Boogeyman! McGeough will be there tonight! No emotion I say! No emotion!!!


Leu' said...

Fuckin hilariuos.

Hannibal said...

Bout time you updated this site!

FAUXRUMORS 2 said...

1) You hit it on the head with the " a lot of people will be watching" line. fact is, high emotion/intensity/fighting sells the game!